Turning Up the Volume

I must apologize for that last post. So random, I know. My mind wanders lately and that's what you get when I sit down and try to type out a coherent idea.

My mind got started last week when I was thinking about turning down the volume on God. I've been doing that a lot lately. I've been doing that for a long time. I do that when I don't want to face the truth.

When I don't want to deal with a problem.

When I don't want to deal involve God in my life.

When I want to take care of it on my own.

When it is "easier" to turn His voice down in my head.

I've been struggling with love and forgiveness. As a woman, I find it very difficult to really ONCE AND FOR ALL forgive. I find it very difficult to let the old wounds heal. To allow my heart to become vulnerable again. I'm holding on to that wound and it has opened up a door for attack.

That's right. I'm being attacked. That attack came on strong last week when the tears started to flow, and I turned DOWN the volume literally. The Christian radio station I usually listen to wasn't making it easy for me to jump back into my insecurities, so I TURNED IT OFF. I turned the music off so I could concentrate on my sadness, my fears and my heartache.

Why am I allowing myself to be attacked? Why am I listening to this voice SHOUTING at me? It's not a voice of love. It's not a voice of reason. It's not a voice of concern.

It is the voice of darkness. My bitter enemy. The beast who does not want me to forgive. The terrible monster who wants me to TURN DOWN THE VOLUME of the ONE WHO REALLY CARES.

I remember distinctly the prayers of my friends Emily and Cathy the night I told them that I had made a decision to follow Christ. They prayed for me, praising the Lord of course. What stood out to me in their prayers though was for protection against this very kind of attack. It didn't make sense to me then, but now I know eight years later how often I've been attacked and how often that attack means GREAT GOOD is about to happen.

With our son's impending birth, I'm preparing for battle. I know I need God more than ever treading out on these new waters. I know GREAT GOOD is about to happen. I've already seen great significance in the name we've chosen for our son. It's one that will remind me to whom he really belongs. Not me, but GOD.

So I've felt under attack. I've turned the volume down. And now it's time to "Turn it up, man!" (see where my mind went, back to that infomercial for Freedom Rock).

It's time for me to listen to the TRUTH.

John 14:6 is going up on the chalkboard today.


Heather said...

Saying a prayer for you lady.

You gave me chills when you talked about your new ones name.

Good for you! Turn it up! HE loves us SO!

Good Luck on the arrival of your new blessing! Hope it goes well for you. Can't wait to hear about it.

Amy R said...

Oh man, I hear you about it being hard to truly once and for all forgive. I still have a hard time doing this - especially with my mom. And she's not the only one - I am really good at holding onto things. (Even though I think that it's not affecting me and it SO is.) Thank you for your encouragement on this today. I am also excited to hear your son's name!